smiles

had our one year anniversary on tuesday. haha. time flies man. really.

had been preparing a long time before this. trying to cross stitch. my very first picture cross stitch! its damn good la! im the one doing it, of cos its nice. haha. but i did put in alot of effort into it. =) and the box, have to thank my sister for helping me put the flowers and heart. sacrifice her sleeping time for it. lol.


nice right. hahaha

we went to fish and co for dinner. ordered new york fish and chips, teriyaki salmon, kola tonic, passion fruit, hot fudge ice cream and a dessert drink called sweet lips something. haha it was nicee. they had peaunt butter and hazalnut ice cream in the drink. my fav! lol. just talking about the past and how we got to know each other. sweet memories. haha. everything was just very nice. ok, once again, my vocab is limited to the word 'nice'. haha




after dinner, i wanted to take neoprints! since we've only taken one before. but he pushed or rather dragged me somewhere else.. to make a couple ring. how sweet was that. haha. u know what, his finger is damn skinny can. super skinny la! arghs. and i think i bought a size too small. kept whining what if i grow fatter and cant fit into the ring! then he'll have to get me another. muahahah.

photos!! finally. those that we took were all nice! but we could only choose 4. BAH. why cant they let us choose more?! but yup pretty pretty! oh and did i mention before that guys look very good in button down shirts and jeans? LOVES. he wore that. hahaha i thought it looked very smart. loves it.



he wanted to bring me to waterfront. but we couldnt find the bus stop. haha. so we went back instead. gave him his present. hmmm dono if he liked it or not. hmmm. look at his face lorrr. haha



i had a wonderful night. simple and nice. =)
with afew surprises. =p

love you feifei !! =)

[[ . ]]* |12:27 PM|

HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!

love u feifei =)

[[ . ]]* |1:19 AM|

as usual. i get shit from her everyday. im loving my days spent at home. YEAH.

borringgg. seriously. im home most of the time. went out only once to town and another with wj.

i tell u, mango sale was horrible. really can faint there man. been to all 4 outlets in town. and all were crazy. madness! those simgaporean women. ok fine, i know i was there, but i swear i wasnt like them at all. clothes were thrown everywhere, floor, shelves, on top of those hanging, people stepping ON the clothes. UGLY people. yucks. then, the queue for the changing rooms were so long u wouldnt feel like trying the one you're holding on already. super sian diao.
hmmm not forgetting those who tried on clothes outside the changing rooms, park themselves in front of the mirror and not moving. idiots. seriously. they think that the mirror belongs to them. ya right! so big fat ME, just put on a top and raised my voice abit, and said: excuse me!
muahahaha im evil.
thats not all, then this lady tried to push me away. haha luckily im big sized. i just stood there. lalala.

now u know why ladies wear fitting spag tops or tube tops together with long flowy skirts. WHY? because, they can just put on the top they wana buy, or pull up the jeans or skirts they want to try OUTSIDE the changing rooms.

faint. we only stayed less than half an hour in each outlet. thank god. since everyone else is at the mango sale, the other stores were not as crowded. yeah! no long queues and messy clothes. yeah!

damage of the day: one mango top and 2 nail polishes =)

haha thought i was lucky to find one piece of top. hehe. at least im not like those women who just grab anything they can find. imagine wearing the same top as 5 other people when you're in town. muahahaha. then again, as long as u think u look good in them, then its fine.

its going to be one year soon. time really flies.
still remember
the first time he sent me home,
the first msg he sent,
the first time we went for a movie(eventhough it was 3 ppl),
the first photo we took together,
how he offered to help me carry my bag though it wasnt v heavy,
how he made fun of me,
how he made me walk 5 bus stops home,
how he said want to share iced milo,
how he offered to bring a jacket for me cos he was afraid i would be cold,
how close he was to me in the movies,
blah blah blah. . .

hahaha. i think those reading will already be having goosebumps. haha. but im just glad that even though we got together in such a short time. let me count... about 55 hours? haha it has been a journey. an experience. be it good or bad times. everything was worth it. =) thanks dear. i have been hardworking too! well... haha. excited! =)

love u feifei!

[[ . ]]* |10:20 PM|

boring!

went sentosa on monday for dry runs. alright la. but it was raining! why must it rain whenever im at sentosa! arghs! but at least i got alittle tanned. hahaha. anw it was a very lazy day. everyone just felt like nuaing. but we went ahead with some of the games like we had to. hope that it will be fun when the freshies are there. being in the water was nice. the 2 geris and me kept staying in the water. haha. didnt want to get out. hmmm the other group councillors like very sian like that. i dont know why. what if they're as sian during the camp?! faint. haha.
played a game of volleyball after that. sucks man! really. i wasnt really in the mood and i couldnt do anything. i felt like i was just inside to make up the number. haha only until the last set then i started moving around. lazy bum.

well i guess i will be nuaing around at home these few days. nothing much to do anyway. supposed to go out with missong. but im sick. maybe thursday or friday? haha i'll ask her again if she wants to go out with this sick person.

i think im damn unlucky. from all the matches that i have bet, i only won like 3? stupid arse. irritating! ARGHS. i don mind losing. but i just dont like to keep losing. it really sucks. sickening. so much for my shopping sprees. haha. wait till i rob the nearest bank maybe.

its the GSS and i want moolah to shop! shop! and more shopping! muahaha. but ya as if i will shop and buy that much. im under a tight budget. will plan again. heard mango sale is coming up! ANLI LETS GO! then again, those items on sale are usually rubbish. u dont even see them hanging on the shelves when there isnt a sale, and u'll wonder, where did they get those from!

people buy stuff for the brand. i admit i do too. but im not like those who goes for those super expensive brands. nuts. imagine paying a 300 bugs guess jeans, when i can get either 3 good pairs of levi's or 10 pairs of jeans from bugis village. haha. personal preference i guess. furthermore, yours truely here is not those slim and tall kind of girls. she has to get those european sizes! faint. where else but topshop and zara. and sports brands. arghs. if i didnt have such broad shoulders, i could have gotten clothes cheaper! >.< bleah and what the hell is FREE SIZE when ben xiao jie cant fit in.

i remember i read a comment whereby this person was commenting on 'free sized' clothes. she was saying, 'how can u call the clothe free size? so do u mean stephine sun or lydia sum(i cant rmb her name) can fit into the same dress?' something like that. which is true. how the hell am i going to fit. someone should go come up with a more suitable name rather than 'freesized'. BAH. they should produce more clothes for bigger sized people like me. so they think that the whole singapore consists of only small sized skinny girls? yup i'll be twice their size.

whatever.

lydia says he looks damn corny. haha.
who asked him not to pose. too bad. muahaha


[[ . ]]* |11:28 AM|

ya please continue to nag and scold me. just do it.
im already 20 years old and im still so restricted. what the hell. i cant go out, i cant talk on the phone, i have to study NOW or during any of my free time, blah blah blah. wth?! come on. im OLD enough to know what i am doing. if i had wanted to be 'bad' i would have been long ago. why wait till now.

i cant go out. i cant stay out late. i have to be back about 10 plus latest. i cant go out everyday. ok thats abit too much. but when i say i havent gone out in a week, she'll say,'so? its only a week. must you go out?' come on. i have friends. i have a boyfriend. i have a life.

cant talk on the phone?! what the hell?! it just so happens that EVERYTIME you come by, im on the phone. and when im not on the phone, where are you?! talking to my friend whom i havent seen in months, one hour is considered long? please. i have been on the phone for many hours at a stretch. i can pay the bills if u want to. talk on my handphone is also not allowed when i have free incoming AND my friend is calling me. its FREE. i dont have to pay a single cent.

HAVE to study now. i said i will. im old enough to plan. i have a plan drawn out for myslf. and you people think that the ONLY thing on my mind is to go out with my friends. great! its not like i dont give a damn about my studies right. i said i will means i will. the more you ask me to study the more i will NOT touch my books. seriously. doesnt mean shouting and naggings will make me move. i hate it.

when i say im jealous of others who are close to their mums. im serious. they can talk about anything under the sun to their mum, complain about everything, consult them on boyfriends, discuss about life, joke around and even go shopping with them! why is mine not? when i try to strike a conversation, it always ends up with her saying, hmm or ok la. comments please? i dont even want to tell her i have a boyfriend. and shopping, i cant buy stuff unless i need them. i cant get anything. or anything that i want is not nice or not worth it since i have so many of them. sigh. shopping is supposed to be fun. and i always end up saying, 'next time just give me the money. i will get them myself.'

why do i feel so restricted?

friends ask me out, i say its too late. i cannot make it.
then they'll say, huh but ure so old already still cannot go out ah.
ya pathetic right.

and what about my boyfriend? when he wants to bring me out somewhere at night. i cant go. why? cos i have to be home about 10. i always feel bad about not being able to go out as often as i want to, stay out late but reasonably late, just to spend more time with him. but i cant do any of it. i cant go out. i have to be home. i always tell him the same reason. maybe he's sick of hearing the same thing over and over. sigh.

i feel pathetic.
maybe i AM patheic.
maybe that why i feel that hall is like an escape.

trapped

[[ . ]]* |1:55 PM|

have u tried walking from
city hall to suntec,
to esplanade.
bus to somewhere near PS,
walk to the cathy,
somerset youth park,
to lido.
bus to bugis,
to ICON,
then to somewhere behind OG,
back to bugis station.

it took us the whole day! i wanted to faint. seriously, i think this is worse then shopping for the whole day. we were all drained of energy. but well, we were thankful for the mango dessert at the last stop. it was nice! i loveee mangos. the external hunt for the camp is a killer man. imagine we have to walk the whole day. or run if the freshies are enthu. *faint* dry runs on monday will be in sentosa! yeah! =) looking forward to it.

nothing much happening. was sick the whole week starting from last saturday. seen the doctor twice. sian. and a waste of money. but i like the doctor. he's nice. hahah. why? cos he gave me the liquid cough mixture! lovess. hahaha.

sigh. sick. cough. no voice. lethargic. i want to get well! or nono let me be sick a few more days. maybe i can slim down a little. hehe. then can fit better into my clothes. and no one can call me feifei already! muahaha

realised i have borrowed many books. but havent even finished one of them! and i have so many other things to do. to complete! books, clean up place, study, and some others. hehe. =) i hope i can finish in time. GOGOGO!

loves

[[ . ]]* |11:54 PM|

havent been blogging much. nothing happening anyway. haha

had dinner with the CAC camp councillors at kenny rogers marina square. food was good. why? because they had macroni and cheese, they gave me the thigh quater and the ice tea was nice! muahaha. it was more like a Shambaa outing though. just talked kok and slacked throughout. the guys decided to play pool so we girls just followed along. took photos! i think chuhui is very pretty! =) ruoxuan too. haha. didnt get pictures of the guys though.






met the 4BN people last sunday to celebrate bobby's birthday. had fish and co! again. haha. loves their food. =) bought bobby a polo ralph polo tee. 112bugs! hahah. imagine the number of tops i can buy with that money. but yup.its nice. and its so 'kevin-y'. cos the first person you will be reminded of will be mr chua. haha.



anli and me left for home whereas the others went to serangoon gardens to watch soccer! haha.





had dry runs for the camp in school on monday. slacked on till tuesday. sick on wednesday. and thursday? left with a sexy corse voice. haha. i cant speak! and there's still more dry runs tomorrow!! well at least im looking forward to monday's dry runs cos it'll be held in SENTOSA! haha.

oh, went to PS with my sister to get some stuff yesterday. spent hours trying to find something when that 'thing' was right behind the counter. i wanted to faint. what a waste of time! arghss. but at least i managed to find it.

hmm was out with wj tt day. being the lazy bum that i am, i suggested him piggyback me up the stairs. it was meant to be a joke really. but he insisted, and i was up the stairs on this back, SAFELY. hahah. i really wonder how he managed to carry this piece of lard. i think if he loses afew more kilos, he'll be lighter than i am. *sobs* thats not all, he piggyback me down 2 flights of stairs and then, tumbled when trying to put me down. haha. poor boy. i thought his hands were going to come off. but it was fun! muahahaha. so, now i shall work hard to become 165cm and 50kg. cos, according to him, he would be able to carry me better. -_- i told him to go get a new gf. haha =) funfunfun

boring days coming right up! haha.

hope something interesting will pop out soon. =)

[[ . ]]* |12:26 PM|

today is my ah ma's chinese birthday! =) happy birthday ah ma!

muacks!

may u be in good health and be happy =)

[[ . ]]* |12:32 PM|

finally met anli yesterday! haha. was supposed to be a shopping trip for both of us. in the end, only i bought a green top from nike. haha. it was nice. i dont have any green tops. poor woman keep knocking into things. pulled her earrings out and hit her toe at some shelve. bled. faint. hahaha. but it was fun la. we were talking at the top of our voices. lol.

took some neoprints! haha. loved it. but they are decieving man. lol.






we were bored. haha. one thing's for sure. anli hasnt changed since secondary school days. maybe just the extention of her hair only. hahaha.

found this photo i took with my ahma recently. haha. she looks so tired. she feels tired all the time. i hope she gets well soon.


tomorrow going out with ruoxuan before meeting the shambaa people. haha. havent seen them in a long time man. but most importantly, catching up with that woman. and shopping if there are nice and cheap stuff. haha. i wana buy a bag. and some coloured tops. hmmmm.

anyway, i had subway today with wj. havent eaten that in a LONG time. haha. remembered that we used to have it very often at harbourfront. love their sandwiches and love their cookies even more. haha i feel like eating it tomorrow again! muahahah. loves it.

then again, i want to eat alot of things. like...
kenny rogers macroni and cheese
subway
ice cream
creeps
rostti
mango waffle
katong laksa
marine parade's chicken rice
fish and co
nydc baked pasta
cakes

im going to be even fatter than i already am. haha.

dry runs next week. maybe i can lose some weight then? haha.

[[ . ]]* |11:15 PM|

things are finally turing for the better =) im happy! haha.

went out with wj on sunday. didnt know where to walk so we ended up at marina square, then suntec. hmmm wasnt really in the mood to shop. and it doesnt help when he puts down everything that i picked up. haha. so ya i didnt get anything in the end. someone also had a great time making fun of me the whole time we were at marina. irritated. arghs.

then the walk to suntec. haha there werent anything much there also. sigh. saw this nike tee shirt. liked the design. but its for KIDS. faint. but i mean though im fat, i think i should be able to fit into it cos it looks very big leh. so the whole day, the things we bought were only a huge pack of M&Ms and a bag from charles and keith for his mother. it was not bad. =) quite nice. i wana get bags too!

had dinner at kenny rogers. it was damn disappointing la. first, they didnt have macroni and cheese. second, they didnt give me the drumstick. third, the iced tea was so diluted it tasted like water. so paying $2.20 for a cup of water? hmmmm. wells. dinner was enjoyable anyhow. then dear surprised me by saying, lets take photos! *faints* haha first time he tells me that he wants to take photos! usually im the one forcing him to take or just to pose nicely. haha.





im taller than YOU! >.< href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4202/933/1600/IMGP3356.jpg">


going out with anli tomorrow! muahahah. the long awaited shopping trip we said we were going to have since the last time we met. hmm which was like early may? haha. excited. this woman has always been there to listen to me complain about nonsense and talk kok. haha. thanks woman. =)

friday with ruoxuan! haha. another woman whom i havent met in a long time. chatting, gossipping and shopping session before meeting up with the group 5 councillors for dinner. =) hope joanne can make it. seriously the last time i went out with her was last year before exams. i have no idea how many donkey months has passed already. haha

borrowed 6 books from the library. but i wonder how many can i actually finish before the date due. haha. also, dry runs coming up. i hope the camp will be fun this year like it was last year. haha =)

looking forward to seeing you! =)

[[ . ]]* |5:16 PM|

Thanks for slamming the door in my face. I appreciate it A LOT. Stop asking me to study. Please just shut up already! I have had enough of all these. What is the point when the holidays have just started not long ago and that I have two more months till school re-opened? I do not think that if I studied now, I will remember them when school starts. I said I will study already. Stop pushing me. Stop it already!

Feeling that things are complicated, but not realizing that I am the one complicating things. Sigh. It is not that I want to. I can’t help it. Sorry that you have to be the outlet for my frustrations. Sorry if I have hurt your feelings. That is one of the reasons why I do not like to speak up. Because I know that it will come out the wrong way. Or somehow or another it will appear to be something which I had totally not intended it to be. Sigh.

Sinking into depression is not good. I will try to pull myself out of this shit soon. Thinking that I am in shit now, someone else might be in deeper shit than I am. Maybe that will make me want to work harder and get my life back on track.

Looking at the old messages and photos that we shared brought back great memories. Those teasing, name calling, silly faces and small little actions are greatly missed. Guess the fault lies with me. Will to change for the better. I need time. Give me some time please. Sigh. Let me get my back my old self first. Things will be better. I promise.



This just made me smile. =)

Realized that my posts have become too boring and depressing!

Hope that everything will be back to normal soon.

[[ . ]]* |11:50 PM|

Sigh. I have to agree with Lydia. Putting up a strong front can be real tiring sometimes. Maybe that is what i am feeling now. Tired. Just plain tired. I am trying to be strong in front of everyone. I am trying to be cheerful. I am trying to hide my emotions and be happy in front of people. I am trying, I really am.

But i have a feeling that i am going to crumble inside anytime soon. I cannot take it any longer. It just seems too tough for me. Everything is in a mess. My heart is physically painful. i do not know how to express this kind of feeling. Maybe it is because there are too much emotions inside me. So many thoughts going through my head. I feel numb at times. As though someone had knocked all the wind out of me.

I need you to be strong for me. I need you to be there for me. I don't think I am expecting too much am I? Sigh. Maybe I am really too demanding and expecting too much that I myself do not realise. I apologise. I am sorry.

How I wish I could go to sleep now and wake up with all my troubles gone.

[[ . ]]* |12:08 AM|

too many things going on.
too much to handle.
im going to break down anytime.
things are falling apart.

i feel so misunderstood sometimes. especially to my daddy. sigh. he thinks that im ONLY interested in hall hall and more hall. shit man. its not as if im not concerned about my studies. i am. sometimes he just goes on and on about stuff that are not true. but im just too tired to defend myself. why bother when he will just assume that im talking back? sigh. true that he might be humourous and fun. but when he's not in a good mood. good luck to us all. we'll get hell. i think im partly immuned to it already. i just dont like it when im misunderstood.

they feel that i have become 'bad' after staying in hall. cos they felt that i have learnt to talk back, pick up bad habits like sleeping late and waking up late, going out with friends, spending too much money, blah blah blah. like HUH. erm sorry but you've been a Resident Fellow before. im sure you know that students dont sleep until 2-4am every night. sigh. and also, if i wanted to be 'bad', i would have been a long time ago. why wait until now? at least i know what i am doing.

have they thought that if they controlled us too much, we will rebel. who likes being under control?! i need my space. maybe that's why i feel that hall is like an escape for me. somewhere where i have a place of my own, think through stuff, do my own things and have some freedom. sigh. too bad for my sisters who have to bear everything. i believe that if they didnt have such a tight control over me, maybe things will be better.

at least i dont smoke, i dont club and i dont drink. if not i think they'll have a good time trying to get me out of shit.

i studied. i put in so much more effort than last year. like i said a million times before. the effort is not reflected in the grades. its not like i want to make him lose face. im just stupid. its not that im not concerned, not that i dont want to improve myself this holidays. i will. soon. dont push me. so they think that im not remorseful and the only thing on my mind is just to go out and enjoy, have fun. damn. maybe if im not around one day, someone can show him this...

im sorry im not smart enough
im sorry im not good enough
im sorry im not up to your standards
im sorry im not scoring good grades
im sorry i make u lose face
im sorry for being so stupid
im sorry for everything

sometimes i look at my friends and i get jealous. not that my family is not good enough. they are. just.. i dont know how to put it in words.

people are too nice to me that im feeling even more guilty than before. prof lim was so encouraging and supportive. talked so nicely to me. he's really a very nice person. i enjoyed the session with him. =) really. i was surprised. because i thought it was going to be very stressful and scary. haha. so i worried for nothing. another meeting with prof lee tomorrow. i hope things will be as fine as it was with prof lim.

i will study. its not like i havent been studying in the first place. just ya. will put in even more effort this coming semester.

will be celebrating grandma's birthday this saturday. =) cant wait.

wana go out with my friends. maybe thats the only time where i can enjoy. besides with wj la. haha. but yup. just hope that things will be better. whats wrong with meeting up with friends? can someone enlighten my family please? they are a important part of my life too. sigh.

my thoughts are incoherrent. bear with it.

is being happy so difficlut
i feel like a walking zombie sometimes

sinking into depression

[[ . ]]* |11:52 AM|