too many things going on.
too much to handle.
im going to break down anytime.
things are falling apart.

i feel so misunderstood sometimes. especially to my daddy. sigh. he thinks that im ONLY interested in hall hall and more hall. shit man. its not as if im not concerned about my studies. i am. sometimes he just goes on and on about stuff that are not true. but im just too tired to defend myself. why bother when he will just assume that im talking back? sigh. true that he might be humourous and fun. but when he's not in a good mood. good luck to us all. we'll get hell. i think im partly immuned to it already. i just dont like it when im misunderstood.

they feel that i have become 'bad' after staying in hall. cos they felt that i have learnt to talk back, pick up bad habits like sleeping late and waking up late, going out with friends, spending too much money, blah blah blah. like HUH. erm sorry but you've been a Resident Fellow before. im sure you know that students dont sleep until 2-4am every night. sigh. and also, if i wanted to be 'bad', i would have been a long time ago. why wait until now? at least i know what i am doing.

have they thought that if they controlled us too much, we will rebel. who likes being under control?! i need my space. maybe that's why i feel that hall is like an escape for me. somewhere where i have a place of my own, think through stuff, do my own things and have some freedom. sigh. too bad for my sisters who have to bear everything. i believe that if they didnt have such a tight control over me, maybe things will be better.

at least i dont smoke, i dont club and i dont drink. if not i think they'll have a good time trying to get me out of shit.

i studied. i put in so much more effort than last year. like i said a million times before. the effort is not reflected in the grades. its not like i want to make him lose face. im just stupid. its not that im not concerned, not that i dont want to improve myself this holidays. i will. soon. dont push me. so they think that im not remorseful and the only thing on my mind is just to go out and enjoy, have fun. damn. maybe if im not around one day, someone can show him this...

im sorry im not smart enough
im sorry im not good enough
im sorry im not up to your standards
im sorry im not scoring good grades
im sorry i make u lose face
im sorry for being so stupid
im sorry for everything

sometimes i look at my friends and i get jealous. not that my family is not good enough. they are. just.. i dont know how to put it in words.

people are too nice to me that im feeling even more guilty than before. prof lim was so encouraging and supportive. talked so nicely to me. he's really a very nice person. i enjoyed the session with him. =) really. i was surprised. because i thought it was going to be very stressful and scary. haha. so i worried for nothing. another meeting with prof lee tomorrow. i hope things will be as fine as it was with prof lim.

i will study. its not like i havent been studying in the first place. just ya. will put in even more effort this coming semester.

will be celebrating grandma's birthday this saturday. =) cant wait.

wana go out with my friends. maybe thats the only time where i can enjoy. besides with wj la. haha. but yup. just hope that things will be better. whats wrong with meeting up with friends? can someone enlighten my family please? they are a important part of my life too. sigh.

my thoughts are incoherrent. bear with it.

is being happy so difficlut
i feel like a walking zombie sometimes

sinking into depression

[[ . ]]* |11:52 AM|